Funny Anecdotes

Humor


Pets, like their owners, have unique personalities and many traits we consider humorous. From our Internet sources we've collected a few light-hearted pages to help us remember the memories and joy our pets bring us.

The Things we can Learn from a Dog

  • Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride
  • Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy
  • When loved ones come home, always run to greet them
  • When it's in your best interest, practice obedience
  • Let others know when they've invaded your territory
  • Take naps and stretch before rising
  • Run, romp, and play daily
  • Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you've had enough
  • Be loyal
  • Never pretend to be something you're not
  • If what you want lies buried, dig until you've found it
  • When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently
  • Thrive on attention and let people touch you
  • Avoid biting when a simple growl will do
  • On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass
  • On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree
  • When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body
  • Delight in the simple joy of a long walk

A Dog's Prayer

Treat me kindly, my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is more greateful for kindness than the loving heart of me.

Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your hand between the blows, your patience and understanding will more quickly teach me the things you would have me do.

Speak to me often, for your voice is the world's sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep falls upon my waiting ear.

When it is cold and wet please take me inside, for I am now a domesticated animal, no longer used to bitter elements. And I ask no greater glory then the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth. Though had you no home, I would rather follow you through ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the warmest home in all the land, for you are my god and I am your devoted worshiper.

Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for although I should not reproach you were it dry. I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst. Feed me clean food, that I may stay well to romp and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready,willing and able to protect you with my life should your life be in danger and beloved master, should the great Master see fit to deprive me of my health or sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of eternal rest.

And I will leave you knowing with the last breath I drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands.

Famous Quotes about Dogs

  • The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage. - Danish Proverb
  • I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl. - Penny Ward Moser
  • The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch. - Michael Friedman
  • A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley
  • Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy
  • Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog? - Unknown
  • I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. - Unknown
  • I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. - August Strindberg
  • No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz
  • Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul-chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler
  • I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
  • My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein
  • Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. - Unknown
  • If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. - James Thurber
  • You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. - Nora Ephron
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers
  • Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein
  • In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. - Dereke Bruce
  • There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
  • When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbey
  • Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. - Unknown
  • Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail. - Unknown
  • No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. - Christopher Morley
  • A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings
  • Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. - Holbrook Jackson
  • The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andrew A. Rooney
  • Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. - Mark Twain
  • I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it. - Abraham Lincoln
  • If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Unknown
  • If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
  • Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. - Smiley Blanton
  • I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts. - John Steinbeck
  • My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

Famous Quotes about Cats

  • There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. -Anonymous
  • Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. - Anonymous
  • Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez
  • In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. - English proverb
  • As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. - Ellen Perry Berkeley
  • Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are G-d.
  • One cat just leads to another. - Ernest Hemmingway
  • Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later. - Mary Bly
  • Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. - Joseph Wood Krutch
  • People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life. - Faith Resnick
  • There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats. - Anonymous
  • I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. - Hippolyte Taine
  • There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats. - Albert Schweitzer
  • The cat has too much spirit to have no heart. - Ernest Menaul
  • Time spent with cats is never wasted. - Colette
  • No heaven will not ever Heaven be; unless my cats are there to welcome me. - Anonymous
  • Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. - Missy Dizick
  • You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats. - Colonial American proverb
  • Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. - Joseph Wood Krutch
  • Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit. - John S. Nichols
  • Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will p**s on your computer. - Bruce Graham
  • I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
  • My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes.

Dog vs. Men

Why Dogs are Better than Men (woman's viewpoint)

  • Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
  • Dogs miss you when you're gone.
  • You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
  • Dogs show their guilt when they've done something wrong.
  • Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
  • Dogs don't criticize your friends.
  • Dogs admit when they're jealous.
  • Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
  • Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
  • Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
  • You can train a dog.
  • Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
  • You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
  • Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
  • The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you can kill the one that infects you.)
  • Dogs understand what "no" means.
  • Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
  • Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
  • Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
  • Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
  • You can house train a dog.
  • You can force a dog to take a bath.
  • Dogs don't correct your stories.
  • Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
  • Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
  • Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
  • Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
  • Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
  • Dogs admit it when they're lost.
  • Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
  • Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
  • Dogs take care of their own needs.
  • Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
  • Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
  • Dogs are nice to your relatives.

How Dogs and Men are the Same

  • Both take up too much space on the bed.
  • Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
  • Both are threatened by their own kind.
  • Both like to chew wood.
  • Both mark their territory.
  • Both are bad at asking you questions.
  • Neither tells you what's bothering them.
  • Both tend to smell riper with age.
  • The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
  • Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
  • Neither does any dishes.
  • Both fart shamelessly.
  • Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
  • Both like dominance games.
  • Both are suspicious of the postman.
  • Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
  • Neither understands what you see in cats

Why Men are Better than Dogs

  • Men only have two feet to track in mud.
  • Men can buy you presents.
  • Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
  • Men are a little bit more subtle.
  • Men don't eat cat poop on the sly.
  • Men open their own cans.
  • Dogs have dog breath all the time.
  • Men can do math stuff.
  • Holiday Inns accept men.

Mixed Breeds

Pekingese x Lhasa Apso = PEEKASSO, an abstract dog.

Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = PYRADACHS, a puzzling breed.

Pekingese x Dachshund = PEKING DACH, owned by Chinese restauranteurs.

Kerry Blue Terrier x Bloodhound = BLUEBLOOD, a favorite of high society.

Poodle x Great Pyrenees = POOPYREE, a dog that smells good.

Pointer x Setter = POINTSETTER, a traditional Christmas pet.

Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = IRISH SPRINGER, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.

Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = BLUE SKYE, a dog for optimists.

Smooth Fox Terrier x Chow Chow = SMOOCH, a dog who loves to kiss.

Airedale x Spaniel = AIRIEL, a dog that brings in good TV reception.

Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = LAB COAT RETRIEVER, the choice for research scientists.

Newfoundland x Basset Hound = NEWFOUND ASSET HOUND, a dog for financial advisors.

Terrier x Bulldog = TERRIBULL, a dog that always makes mistakes.

Keeshound x Setter = KEESTER, you can't get this dog off it's duff.

Bloodhound x Labrador = BLABADOR, a dog that barks a lot.

Chihuahua x Whippet = CHIAPET, order from TV ad, 3 for $19.95.

Boxer x German Shepherd = BOXER SHORTS, a dog never seen in public.

Basenji x Schipperke = BASERKE, a dog that's mad about its owner.

Malamute x Pointer = MOOT POINT, owned by........... oh well, it doesn't matter anyway.

Collie x Malamute = COMMUTE, a dog that lives on the subway.

Deerhound x Terrier = DERRIERE, a dog that's true to the end.

Wiener Dog x Rottweiler = BRATWEILER, a German dog found at the snack bars at sporting events...

Akita x Shiba Inu = SHIKITA, a bright yellow, banana-shaped dog

Pyrenees x Akita = PYRAKITA, a small brightly-colored South American dog that can be finger-trained, as well as trained to talk

Rules for Cats

  • DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
  • CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is acceptable. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
  • BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
  • HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering".
    • Following are the rules for "hampering":
    • When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
    • For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
    • For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
    • When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
  • WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
  • BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

The Martial Art of Cat Bathing

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Tide - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and a total lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength and intelligence. Capitalize on those advantages by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply plastic shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have an unhappy cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J. C. Penney.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet.

If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho - ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

Beware of Dog

Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the door glass. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register. He asked the store's owner "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep," the proprietor answered, "That's him."

The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he chuckled. "Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."